I had to lay in a white bed all summer, going to daily hospital visits where my doctor would cut and care for my giant blisters.
I was confined to a wheelchair while the nerves on my leg grew back. It was hands down the most physically painful thing I’ve ever experienced.
During that time my solution to the torture was to start a jewelry line out of my bed.
I worked tirelessly beading necklaces day and night. It kept me focused with a goal in mind and it stopped me from getting too down when I was so isolated. And I bought a booth at a sellers fair in my town to keep me focused on an end date.
A month later I was there, barely able to move my leg, trying to sell my stuff.
No one bought anything, a typical middle school nightmare, but I don’t remember being upset. If anything, I wondered to myself why these people didn’t have any taste. I was so happy to be there.
Adopting through foster care is by far the hardest thing I’ve ever done. And raising three toddlers who are very close in age ain’t easy either.
Most days I just pray to make it out alive. Others I want to try to recapture my old self, but I just can’t seem to find her.
I hear this from a lot of moms with young kids. We all lose ourselves and become this kind of shell of who we once were. We look tirelessly for that cool, dynamic power lady but she just ain’t home.
And while I am experiencing all of that, I also have a fear that this could all end tomorrow. I can’t complain or talk about my loss of identity because I may not have my girls here with me forever.
I also can’t totally relate to moms who are complaining about these things because all I can think is, yeah but you get to keep them! You know you’ll see her graduate the fifth grade! You know she’ll call you mom until her dying day!
I am in a constant state of anxiety thinking about their futures. I need the girls to be safe, happy, and loved beyond measure.
Like with my burn, creative work with a business component has always helped me through my pain.
I can’t forget or neglect that part of myself just because I am in an unbearable period of fear and anxiety.
I need to funnel this pain to create.
I need to make solid goals to get me through this. I can’t close my eyes real tight, not moving ’til the pain is over.
Even though the idea is absolutely unimaginable, I need to be creative. I need to set goals. I need to live.
So, I’m starting with this blog post.